Categories
personal

Lessons from My Mom

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there, and a particularly special one to my mom! Hopefully this is the last time I spend the day away from home.

I inherited a lot from my mom: the shape of my forehead and eyes; my stature; my perfect health and uncanny physical resilience. Personality quirks, too: truly unreasonable stubbornness; always having an opinion; doing anything for a laugh; a persistent need to be informed, especially on current events.

Sometimes my mom is hard on herself, especially when us kids experience hardship or failure. It’s difficult for her not to internalize it, wondering if she could have prevented our misfortune or if it was somehow indirectly her fault. Part of this is just the nature of being a parent, I think, but the other part is that all parents mess up their kids in ways they couldn’t foresee, ways that have ripple affects across their children’s entire lives. For the most part, though, we all turn out all right. I turned out better than all right. I think my mom knows this deep down – knows that there are aspects of me which are completely apart from her, parts which she can’t blame (or, perhaps, praise) herself for. But it couldn’t hurt to remind her of the good stuff.

Here are a few of the many lessons I’ve learned from my mom. There are more than I can list, but these are most important to me right now. In ten years’ time, I’m sure I will have a completely new list based on my own growth and how my mom has helped me along the way.

From these examples, you’ll learn that my mom is brave, resourceful, resilient, strong, and wise. It is my hope that, in time, I develop these qualities, too.

My mom and her mom. Photo torn and dirty from being taped and removed from so many surfaces in the past several years. I’ve taken it with me on almost every deployment.
Categories
current events navy personal

The Black Hole of Uncertainty

“We’re all going to have to stay in our homes for a little while,” said our national leaders. “It’s for the common social good. A few weeks, maybe a few months, of missed plans and isolation, and we will put all of the bad stuff behind us.”

“Oh no!” replied the introverts of the world, reaching for a blanket and burrowing deeper into the couch. “How ever will we cope?”

Sounds like me, right?

It’s been a little over a month since my state issued its stay-at-home order. It was, at first, a little scary: would we run out of food? toilet paper? what does this mean for my future?

These being the extent of my concerns, though – most of them intangible – shows how lucky I am: I can’t get laid off from the U.S. Navy (and boy do I try). No matter what, I’ll be able to pay my rent and have healthcare and a job. But this is not true for an alarming number of people who are now relying on a safety net not designed for a crisis like this, and wouldn’t be sufficient to support people in need, to this extent, even if it was. And now that I’m hurtling down My Bullshit Lane, if we could pull our heads out of our asses for, like, a single second, we might realize that some of our previous assumptions about the way things have to be simply aren’t true, and we can’t go back to the way things were, pre-pandemic. Too many of us are just a single misfortune away losing everything.

I say all of this as a disclaimer, knowing full well that there’s some measure of guilt in what I’m going to talk about here: being able to move through pure anxiety to find moments of joy during a crisis where others find only the misery of need and uncertainty. If you’re in a tough place, please don’t take any of this as a minimization of your hardship, or some inane encouragement to look on the bright side. Sometimes reflexive cheerfulness is the wrong reaction. It feels strange to be positive now, sometimes, occasionally. Now and then, it does sneak up on me, but it took a while to get there.

You're Interacting With Dark Matter Right Now - The Atlantic
Illustration by Paul Fleet
Categories
nerd stuff

Animal Crossing: New Horizons Keeps Us Safe

March is not shaping up in the way I expected. Right now, I thought I’d be on the Big Island of Hawaii, traversing the lava tubes Volcano National Park, stargazing from the peak of Mauna Kea, enjoying the peaceful solitude of a little cabin tucked away in the forest. I expected to return to Oahu on my birthday to greet my family, who was coming to visit me and attend the disestablishment ceremony of my workplace, which I had helped plan.

Canceled, canceled, canceled.

Instead, I’m rich with the refunds brought about by a global pandemic – and rich in disappointment, too. I will spend my birthday at work, where we are bringing in our own disinfecting supplies because we can’t find any on base, and I will sing “happy birthday” twice to myself every time I wash my hands.

I don’t feel especially stressed, but my body betrays me: I have acne on my face, hives on my chest, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night for no reason, jaw sore from grinding my teeth. I lash out at people and I don’t know why. My hands can’t go an hour without reaching for my phone to check the local news.

In another sense, though, I was made for social isolation. My most favorite things are solo activities, all of which I can still keep doing. In fact, I’ve felt quite fulfilled in using my extra time to do things that made me happy, almost as an imperative to stay busy and sane – and it’s been a true joy to witness and experience the creative ways people are connecting with one another, especially from a distance.

One of those ways is Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons' Is Great for Your Mental Health ...
Categories
health and fitness personal

A Hawaiian Slice of Life

On every morning but one, you wake up to the dark – 5AM, dark no matter the time of year – with the exception of Saturday, when your body lets you sleep until a few minutes before seven, and you wake up feeling like the day is already over, wasted (though admittedly very well-rested).

But this is Friday. You have to get up a little earlier than strictly necessary, have to go out for a walk in the dark to wake up properly, to steel yourself for the day. You wear a glow belt, which usually keeps you safe in crosswalks but unfortunately did not ward off a man in a minivan full of (presumably) his kids from pulling up alongside you in a parking lot to yell about watching where you were going. You are confused; you knew exactly where you were going, but he had to drive out of his way to make his point.

It’s still dark when you get back home. You put on your swimsuit and shorts. You think, regretfully, that another week has gone by and you’ve failed to buy a wetsuit or a pair of fins. You flip-flop out to the car anyway and drive 1.4 miles to the boat ramp on the beach.

Now, finally, the horizon is starting to lighten. Despite the walk, your stomach is clenched like a fist. You feel a gentle thrum of underlying panic every Friday morning, no matter how many times you do this exact same thing. Still, you slide your feet out of your sandals, leaving them planted behind the pedals; you leave your folded towel on the driver’s seat, ready to be sat on by a wet butt; you remove your car key from the keyring, clipping it to your swimsuit and tucking it in. Everything stays behind. You hobble over the pine-needles through the parking lot to the boat ramp, getting your first glimpse of the conditions.

It’s Friday, and you’re looking out across Kailua beach, where the turquoise sea is starting to glow in the sunrise. The tide is low and there is barely any wind – unusual for the windward side of the island. The current ripples gently against the sand, more like a wakeless lake than the crashing of the winter sea.

The breeze is gentle. It is January, but you are not cold. Now, you wait.

Categories
navy personal

Good Military Habits

I learned some things about myself, too: what I’m good at, what I’m not so good at, how I react under pressure, and how I manage stress. But there are a bunch of other positive habits instilled by general military discipline that we come to take for granted. Here are just a few.

USS Blue Ridge maintenance
Let me play you the song of my people. (140 dB of needlegunning) (Image from DVIDS)
Categories
personal

2019 In Review

Image result for 2019

Stuff That Happened

Categories
navy personal

PRK, Courtesy of the US Navy

Refractive eye surgery is pretty well advertised on my installation here in Hawaii. Long-term, it makes more sense to permanently correct the vision of eligible servicemembers than supply them with new glasses (and contacts? some fliers get free contacts?) every year. I knew my summer deployment was probably going to be my last one, so I thought I’d ask if I could get my eyes fixed before I separate next year.

The keyword there is “ask.” I’m in a deploying billet and a flight status. I was prepared for a struggle, one I suspected would result in the negative.

Somehow, it actually worked. It was six months of persistence and administration and, frankly, the kindness of my leadership, and even now that it’s all done, it still seems too good to be true. I got PRK surgery in September, and it was one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received. It changed my life.

Here is the how the whole process went down, from start to finish.

Categories
health and fitness navy nerd stuff

Pokémon Go Made Me Go Outside

When I lived in Japan, I didn’t own a car. I had a bike, but it got stolen on base (naturally), and with less than a year left before returning to the US, I started walking instead.

A walking commute is really easy in a place like Japan, where public transportation is robust and accessible. I had my walk to work down to a science:

1. Leave the house for a twelve-minute walk to the train station;
2. Five minutes on the train;
3. A ten-minute walk from the train station to the base gate;
4. Ten minutes from the gate to the gym’s locker room, where I stashed my uniforms;
5. A quick costume change, then, depending on where it was parked, a five- or ten-minute walk to the ship.

After a few weeks, I could predict to the minute what time I would cross the brow in the morning, and I was always on time.

The combination of walking to work and running around the ship often resulted in jubilant vibration on my wrist sometime before lunch: “Congrats!” my fitness watch would say. “You met your step goal of 10,000 steps!”

I took for granted how easy it was to be active when it was organically built in to the day. Coming back to the US was a rude awakening.

Categories
nerd stuff

Inexpensive Indie Games Worth Your Money

If you’ve ever played an online multiplayer game, you know the world of gaming can be incredibly off-putting and toxic. It’s hard to go a single day without another player challenging your sexuality, calling you a slur, or just being so obnoxious that the game becomes unplayable. This might be why I’ve gravitated towards games of the offline, single-player variety, mostly roguelikes and platformers and strategy games.

At this point, though, the only thing holding me back from being a truly insufferable video game hipster is that I don’t want to keep them for myself. I want to take you along for the ride.

There are games that are pure art; games that put a smile on my face every time I play them; games that make me grind my teeth and make my hands slick with sweat. A lot of them cost less than a third of what the big-name companies are churning out year after year with very little variation or improvement – yeah, I’m talking to you, Bethesda and Bungie. Unfortunately, the lack of a big name often means lack of big advertising. Indie games rely on positive reviews and word of mouth to generate hype.

So here’s some hype for inexpensive games that are absolutely worth your time and attention.

Categories
navy

My Last Deployment, by the Numbers

Days deployed: 58 (thank me for my service)

Hours sat in window: 80

Air medals earned: 0

Times carrying the pisser: 3

Times spilled pisser on self: 0 (an improvement)

Fires: 1

Fake fires: innumerable

Emails from Mom: 20

Emails from Dad: 1

Longest uninterrupted study session on single subject because I’m too polite/awkward to say “alright, I get it”: 3 hours

Gym sessions: 45

Deadlift working weight: +50lbs

Body weight: +5 lbs

Times mediated interpersonal drama: 4

Times I thought everyone was trolling me but they weren’t and I got sad for no reason: 3

Books read: 12

Overdue travel videos completed: 2

Seasons of Letterkenny watched: 2

Times said “ferda” or “dirty fucking dangles, boys” or “crush some sandos” or “dust on praccy”: sorry

Celeste C-Sides completed: 5

Times listened to Cuz I Love You by Lizzo: 58 (daily)

Average hours of sleep: 6

Ambien intake: ???

Times sleep interrupted by whoosh of crows alighting from roof: any night not on the Ambo

D&D sessions: 7

Times teased by pilots for playing D&D: every opportunity

Crew diss tracks written by rider: 8

Actual qualifications competed: 0

Meaningful contributions to the mission: 0

Days until command closes for good: 340

Days until I get out of the Navy: 340